To Liverpool, From Hamburg

As it was, mentioned quite a bit on this blog: John used to write to Cynthia.  Especially while in Hamburg where his letters were 30 pages long. I'm sure enough to write a book itself. Unfortunately, this seems to be the only surviving letter from the two years John was there. Cynthia did write that most of them got destroyed during the aftermath of divorce (I can't blame her… I've done similar actions). I also think some got lost during Cynthia's frequent moving house to house, got stolen, got buried in the basement/attic and, like this one, got sold in auction.

This particular letter was written in April of 1962 after Stuart Sutcliffe died. On April 10th, Stuart died while on his way to the hospital in Astrid Kirchherr's arms (may Astrid rest in peace, she died on May 12, 2020) before she went to the airport to pick up John, Paul, and Pete (George can the next day). That's where John found out his best friend died. There was some time when Astrid didn't go to their shows and they didn't go to her house… maybe it's avoidance, or grief, or give space, or all above. Eventually John did come around to see Astrid and told her to pick: life or death? It was his way of guiding Astrid through her grief. Astrid credited John and George for helping her come out and enjoy life again. Astrid was almost 82 years old when she passed away. Bless her. I have no doubt that Stuart's death haunted John all his life. Stuart was the same age, he had so much potential, but poof! He was all the sudden gone. 

I don't think this is the entire letter- it feels incomplete and chopped up in segments. It was originally published in Ray Coleman's book Lennon and went up in auction a few times. Plus, where's the rest of the 26 pages?

Birthday Letter

Cynthia's letter to Astrid, from June of 1962.

Secret Newlyweds

“Brian had an obsession about not letting the marriage become public. At a very early stage of my involvement, John mentioned that he was married and Brian went berserk about it to me. He said, 'I don't know why he's told you that. Yes, of course it's true, but he's told awfully few people and I want you to make quite sure you don't tell anybody else.”

Tony Barrow

The Beatles performing at the Cavern Club in Liverpool on August 22, 1962. In less than 24 hours, John would become a married man.

At first, John went along with Brian's plan to keep his marriage and pending fatherhood a secret. But at some point John became frustrated and wanted his marriage known. He figured that his marriage was going to come out anyway and believed it wouldn't make no difference to the Beatles’ growing popularity. Cynthia knew nothing about John's battle with Brian over their marriage.

“He kept so many things from me, bad and good. I only heard much later that Brian wanted me kept quiet.”

Cynthia, 1985

While John was away, Cynthia busied herself washing and drying his clothes,went to check-ups for the baby, and mind their home. Cynthia became John's much-needed stability rock.

“Cynthia was beautiful, physically and on the inside. Although he was apt to find love on the road, she was totally dedicated to his success, and I might add, extremely influential. He was insecure and Cynthia was there to pump him up to buttress, sort of, his weak side. She was a wonderful mother who loved John deeply.”

Tony Bramwell

“After rehearsals or a gig, we would go to a bar in the West End. We would drink and talk. It would be late at night, but Cynthia was always waiting for him, always there to embrace him. She was sweetly sensitive, and I do believe most people have no idea what a central figure she was in terms of keeping him somewhat stable during that hard phase when no one knew if the boys were a passing fad or the real thing. I mean, John was the leader, but he was also scared all the time. People forget what a rock she was for him.”

Tony Barrow

Paul, John, Cavern Club owner Ray McFall, and Cynthia at the Cavern Club in October of 1962

Photographed by Mike McCartney

“As far as Brian was concerned any news item that mentioned their marriage and/or their offspring would be damaging to the image of the Beatles. I thought this was preposterous stance to take. His fear was that young females would fall out of love with John if they found out that he was a married man. My view was that in the swinging '60's an increasing number of teenage fans would find John all the more interesting when they knew he had a wife. Here was an additional challenge of the forbidden fruit variety!”

Tony Barrow

“She was so scared. She wanted to marry John- very definitely- it just wasn't the right time. She realized they weren't ready for it, but there was no other solution.”

Dot Rhone

Cynthia did glamorize her early months of marriage to John. I am sure and positivity think that she was probably more focused on the good. Whenever John returned home, he would bring some things for their new home; his first present for his wife was a beaten copper coffee table for their living room. Although it wasn't exactly in Cynthia's taste, she was touched by the thought and was swept away by his enthusiasm. However, according to Dot, there were problems. Maybe it was pressure from Brian; losing more and more free time and becoming more busier, tours, recording and writing songs, newfound fame and seeing his name in the local papers, having women throwing themselves at him, and then John would come home after being looked at as an idol to a pregnant wife holding the trash bag for him to take out.

“There were a lot of fights. He would drink an awful lot- just get drunk and mean. And then he’d say such awful things to Cyn. He was so moody. One moment he could be so funny and wonderful, and the next so damn cruel.”

Dot Rhone

A scared three months pregnant Cynthia and a protective John trying to barricade themselves from two drunken men looking for a woman.

Artwork by Cynthia

"This is in Brian Epstein's flat in Liverpool. John and had just got married- I was three months pregnant. John was panicking, he wasn't brave. I nearly had a miscarriage afterwards."

Cynthia, 1999

About three months into her pregnancy, Cynthia woke up to discover blood. With her brother Tony's help, she rushed to the Doctor. Cynthia was told to stay in bed for three days to avoid a miscarriage. Too scared to go across the apartment for the bathroom, she set a kettle for tea and a bucket for bathroom needs besides the bed (I hope she didn't poop!). John would call in but Cynthia didn't tell him until he came home well after her three bedridden days were gone. He told her she should've told him but she felt that John had enough on his shoulders. The threatened miscarriage happened after a scare John and Cynthia had in their apartment: Two drunken men came knocking, looking for a woman named Carol. John tried sending them off but the men didn't believe him and started violently pounded on the door. It wasn't until Cynthia yelled that her name wasn't Carol and that she was 3 months pregnant. The men left and the newlyweds had trouble going to sleep that night and we're quite shaken. John and Cynthia’s first apartment wasn't in the best side of town during the time period. Sadly, in 2017, a man murdered his wife and their two children in the same apartment.
When John came back home for a few days, Cynthia suggested that they should visit Mimi. Although Cynthia wasn't exactly Mimi's number 1 fan, she didn't like animosity in families and knew that both Aunt and nephew missed each other. John was incredibly hurt by Mimi's attitude towards his marriage and fatherhood; the three months have been the longest Mimi and John haven't seen or spoken to one another since his wedding. John was hesitant but agreed. Both traveled by bus, probably the last time John and Cynthia rode on the bus together as John was becoming more and more recognizable. Both were more prepared for having the door slammed in their faces but to their surprise, Mimi greeted them with an open door, hugs, and kisses and instantly started on a home cooked meal. Cynthia was now visibly pregnant and Mimi asked how she was doing. They filled her in on the almost miscarriage and how Cynthia was alone most of the time. During a fresh air break in the garden, Mimi offered John and Cynthia to move in with her. Cynthia was not too thrilled with the idea but couldn't argue against it either because she wouldn't be alone and scared.

Do You Want to Know a Secret? 1963 (recorded in 1962)
You'll never know how much I really love you
You'll never know how much I really care
Listen do you want to know a secret
Do you promise not to tell woh woh woh closer

Let me whisper in your ear
Say the words you long to hear
I'm in love with you
I've known the secret for a week or two
Nobody knows just we two
Listen do you want to know a secret
Do you promise not to tell woh woh woh closer
Let me whisper in your ear
Say the words you long to hear
I'm in love with you

“I was in the first apartment I’d ever had that wasn't shared with 14 other students- gals and guys at art school. I’d just married Cyn, and Brian Epstein gave us his secret little apartment that he kept in Liverpool for his sexual liaisons separate from his home life. And he let Cyn and I have that apartment.”

John, 1980

Ask Me Why 1963 (recorded in 1962)
I love you, 'cause you tell me things I want to know.
And it's true that it really only goes to show,
That I know,
That I, I, I, I should never, never, never be blue.
Now you're mine, my happiness still makes me cry.
And in time, you'll understand the reason why,
If I cry,
It's not because I'm sad, but you're the only love that I've ever had.
I can't believe it's happened to me
I can't conceive of any more misery.
Ask me why, I'll say I love you,
And I'm always thinking of you.
I love you, 'cause you tell me things I want to know.
And it's true that it really only goes to show,
That I know,
That I, I, I, I should never, never, never be blue.
Ask me why, I'll say I love you,
And I'm always thinking of you.
I can't believe it's happened to me.
I can't conceive of any more misery.
Ask me why, I'll say I love you,
And I'm always thinking of you.

Mr. & Mrs. Lennon

The marriage certificate of John and Cynthia Lennon; the only piece of evidence from August 23, 1962. No photographs were taken.

On August 23, 1962, John Winston Lennon and Cynthia Powell got married at Mount Pleasant Registry Office in the late morning/early afternoon. Cynthia was driven there by Brian Epstein while John, with Paul McCartney and George Harrison, was already there along with Cynthia’s brother and sister-in-law, Tony and Marjory Powell. Tony and Marjory were on a 'lunch break’ from work to quickly attend and represent the Powell family. Meanwhile, John's family was not there due to Mimi's boycott and would receive her wrath if anybody dared to show up. Yet, Paul and George were there to support John, the Beatles’ family. Ringo Starr had just joined the band for a few days but wasn't invited, he wasn't that close to John, Paul, and George just yet.

It was cloudy, raining- not exactly ideal wedding weather but then again, it's what England is known for. Cynthia wore her best black and purple checkered two piece suit (jacket and skirt) with a white blouse given to her by Astrid a year before. Her hair was up in a french braid pleat and she did it herself. Brian was the Best Man, but there was no Maid of Honor, bridesmaid, flowers, not even a darn camera to take pictures! How could anyone not even think of bringing a camera along? I can't ever understand that! Then there's the typical wedding traditions:

Something old… her purple & black suit and handbag (purse)

Something new… a new life growing inside her

Something borrowed…n/a

Something blue… feeling blue

When the register asked for the groom to step forward, jokester George did so but I guess the register wasn't amused. Just as the ceremony began, a loud drill started! The small wedding party couldn't hear a thing! This sounds like a perfect setting for a sitcom… it was hard for everybody (except for the register) to keep a straight face.

Artwork by Cynthia of her wedding to John

“There was a drill going on all the time outside. I couldn't hear a word the bloke was saying. Then we went across the road and had a chicken dinner. I can't remember any presents. We never went in for them. It was all a laugh.”

John, 1968

“I don't remember much about John's wedding. It took place in August 1962. He just went in the registry office in Liverpool one afternoon and in the evening we got into the car, went to the gig (we actually did a gig that night), and it was, 'Well we got married!’ It wasn't hushed up, it just wasn't mentioned to the press. There was no wedding- it was a five minute thing in the Registry Office. It was different in those days. No time to lose.”

George Harrison

The concert was in Chester and it was booked long before the wedding was planned, possibly before Cynthia announced she was pregnant. The wedding party (minus Tony and Marjory) went to Reece's restaurant where they had the lunch special and the newlyweds were toasted with water since Reece's didn't have an alcohol license… which is probably a good thing considering that drinking alcohol is a no no for pregnant women, although it was probably not known of at the time. During lunch, Brian did have a wedding gift for John and Cynthia: his apartment that he occasionally used (mainly for his gay trysts) since John still lived technically at Mimi's and Cynthia's apartment wasn't exactly suited for the growing family. After lunch, John helped Cynthia moved out of her apartment before he went to Mimi's to get his things (I wonder if Mimi was there? Silent treatment?) before going off to Chester while Cynthia arranged the apartment and putting things away.

“The ballroom was long and thin and the dressing room was to the right of the stage. Halfway through our set, mid song, John Lennon jumped up on the stage and yelled at us: 'How many of our fucking numbers are you going to play?' I was very very annoyed and jumped up from my drumming seat, I was the nearest to him. Luckily Dave Williams calmed me down. We were not some up and coming group we were very experienced and you just don’t do that to fellow artists. Well in those days if you lived in a rough area you could always look after yourself and I just reacted instinctively. After Dave calmed me down we just carried on playing. After all, at the time they were just another group, yes they were popular but so was Rory Storm, Faron, Blue Genes, Kingsize and Gerry. And everyone covered the popular numbers, our own and each others. We found out when we came off stage that John had got married that day, Brian Epstein was best man and wanted to keep the wedding hush hush as he felt it would mar the Beatles image with the fans when they found out. Paul and George were also at the wedding as witnesses. John’s Aunt Mimi had boycotted the wedding because she strongly disapproved. Brian treated the wedding party to a wedding breakfast at Reece's Cafeteria in Liverpool. It was also revealed later that Cynthia was pregnant. So bearing all this in mind we forgave him, it must have been a very demanding day for him.”
Harry Prytherch, band member from The Remo Four an opening act for The Beatles in Chester, 2011

“John was dismayed but bowed to the inevitable, though not as dismayed as Mimi or Brian. This wasn't in Brian's plans for the boys at all- a Beatle had to be footloosed and fancy free and available… Although the whole affair was very private and had been hushed up, at one point John did say that he hadn't really wanted to get married and felt pushed into it… No, wedding bliss was not John's scene at all. 'Christ,’ he said after a gig in Chester as we were packing up, 'I can't believe I went through with it.’

Tony Bramwell

“I didn't marry a Beatle. I married a broke student who played the guitar and ponced all my grant money off me for fags*.”

Cynthia, 1999

*Fags is a British slang term for cigarettes

“My wife married me not because I'm a Beatle, but because she loves me.”

John

“Even I only learned the news several weeks later, when I told John of my own plans to marry my girlfriend, Beth, the following March. 'So how about you, John?’ I bantered, well aware of John's disparaging attitude towards the holy institution of marriage, 'When are you and Cyn going to get married, then?’ 'We already are married,’ he said with an embarrassed grin, then hastily changed the subject. He clearly viewed his wedding as a little more than a trivial nuisance and something hardly worth talking about.”

Pete Shotton, 1983

John showing off Cynthia's wedding ring with Ringo Starr at the Peppermint Lounge Club in New York City, February of 1964

Neil Aspinall didn't know John was married other than he and Cynthia were living 'in sin’ whenever he dropped John home from gigs. One day John brought along Ringo to meet Cynthia but said no word about them being married. Cynthia was making Vesta Beef Curry for John but had limited portions; Ringo politely refused the curry and a sandwich she also offered to make other than tea. Cynthia didn't know at the time Ringo’s childhood illnesses and his sensitivity towards certain foods, especially spicy like curry. Their meeting was awkward and standoffish for a little while until it eventually wore off and became good friends.

“When Ringo joined the group, I never told him I was married. At the time I didn't want it to get around and I didn't know how well I could trust him to keep it secret. But it came out one day when we Beatles went to an accountant’s office and he asked, 'Do you have any dependents?’ and I said, 'Yes, I’ve got a wife.’”

John, 1965

“John got married just after I replaced Pete, but nobody told me. I found out when we were to see an accountant about our tax and John started claiming for a dependent. The other two knew, I supposed he wanted it kept secret at that time, and I still wasn't in the inner circle.”

Ringo Starr, 1964

“I didn't go to the wedding- John never even told me he’d got married. John and Cynthia were keeping it a secret from everyone. If something got mentioned, it was, 'Shh, Ring’s in the room…’ John didn't tell me anything until we went on tour and got to know one another in all the doss houses where we camped.”

Ringo Starr

“We were both sort of bowled over by the fact that we were married. It wasn't a question of 'Have we done the right thing?’ It was all perfectly natural that we should be together. But John didn't get a real chance to be first a real husband, or later, a real father. Once he got on the Beatles bandwagon he couldn't get off, even if he wanted to.”

Cynthia, 1985

To me, I don't think of John and Cynthia's wedding as a 'shotgun’. Elopement, sure, but not shotgun. It wasn't as if John knocked Cynthia up after an one night stand or a very brief relationship. They had been together for four years at that point. To be honest, I am surprised that a pregnancy happened then rather than earlier as they were a couple of horny rascals at every chance they had. Whatever he may have felt, John was there. He arrived at the register office before Cynthia did. Cynthia believed that John seemed to have taken the title of husband and soon-to-be father in stride as she noticed the look on his face while they were having their wedding lunch.

Rather than calling Cynthia 'Miss Powell’ or 'Miss Prim’, John started calling her 'Mrs. Lennon’.
Of course, there's always that negativity looming around. Both John and Cynthia doubted that they would have gotten married if she hadn't gotten pregnant. Deep down, they were drifting apart. She was going to be an art teacher while John was a working and traveling musician. They had different outlooks on their future. Shortly after they got married, John traveled to London to record Love Me Do to be released as a single and, in one day, The Beatles recorded their first album, Please Please Me, released in early 1963.

John at the Cavern Club in Liverpool during the afternoon on August 22, 1962, about 24 hours before becoming a married man

“I asked John the crucial question, 'If Cyn had not been pregnant in 1962, would you have gotten married?’ He thought for a long time and then replied, 'It’s a hypothetical question after the event but I don't think so.’ I was left with the impression that John was never truly in love until he met Yoko Ono…”

Tony Barrow

“On different occasions both John and Cyn indicated to me that they married because baby Julian was on the way and without this binding factor both might well have gone their separate ways as soon as the Beatles took off, rather than 6 years later. To have kept the baby but not married would have taken a more courageous soul than John, who was bold but not brave beneath his leathery mask of bravado.”

Tony Barrow

“They were totally opposites but right for each other and, although they came from different backgrounds, they were a perfect match. I think they would obviously have taken longer to get married, but it would have happened. They loved each other very much. There was no separating them.”

Phyllis Mackenzie

“I lived for the moment. I was never really dreaming about the future or marriage or babies. It never entered my mind. I was just very, very happy just to be with him. I’m quite a survivor, so probably inside me I thought, 'Well, I can probably survive whatever happens.’ Youth is very brave and as I said, love is blind. I didn't think about the future.”

Cynthia

“My talents and aspirations had to be put on the back burner, but that was as much my fault as anybody's else’s.”

Cynthia, 1999

“Brian Epstein had a flat near the art college in Faulkner Street, and we moved in there until we got ourselves sorted out.”

Cynthia, 1988

“You know something, when you're young, love is very blind. I had no idea what was going to happen. We were just living for the moment. And that was the way it should’ve been and it was. So, I didn't know. I probably thought at some stage that he would never, ever make any serious commitment or anybody and that he would end up as a drunken bum on the streets. But, I mean he was lucky. He was in the right place at the right time and he had a lot of support from his friends. And of course, meeting Brian, which changed his whole life.”

Cynthia, 2005

“Even though we were at Liverpool Art College together, he was not supportive of my painting. He didn't have time. My painting had to go out of the window. I left college when I became pregnant with Julian and so I didn't get my piece of paper to say I was going to be an art teacher. All I've got is a National Diploma- which I'm very proud of and which hangs on my wall.”

Cynthia, 1995

First Comes Love, Then Pregnancy

“He used to tell me how he and Cyn planned to settle down and raise a family as soon as the Beatles began to pay off, and how much he missed being without her.”

Pete Best

Cynthia visiting John in Bournemouth during The Beatles tour on August 22, 1963, one day before their first anniversary

1962 was quite a year for John. The Beatles already enlisted Brian Epstein as their manager, he lost his best friend Stuart, got a record deal, The Beatles changed drummers (Pete out, Ringo Starr in), and Cynthia got pregnant over the Summer.

Sometime in July, John returned home from Hamburg and had a regular gig at the Cavern- things were going well for John. Cynthia was still in art college, training as an art teacher, and worked part-time at Woolworth's. But she wasn't doing great financially; her grant money ran out and she needed assistance (welfare). The night before Cynthia was to go for her final exams early in the morning, John came over and, well, they conceived a baby that night! The next morning, Cynthia dragged herself to take her exams. Ironically, the day the results of her exams came in (she failed), Cynthia discovered she was pregnant. She noticed that her period wasn't coming and had morning sickness. Her best friend Phyllis Mackenzie came over for support and arranged Cynthia to see her Doctor. After being examined, the Doctor confirmed the pregnancy and gave Cynthia a stern disapproving lecture… Personally, I don't think it was the Doctor's place to lecture Cynthia like that. It may have been looked down upon to be single and pregnant, but it wasn't any of her business to do that. Her job was to test Cynthia's blood, urine, examine her body, and give the results.

“I finished the course and almost immediately discovered I was pregnant. I said to John, 'You don't have to marry me just because of this.’ John has said quite a few times in interviews that he had to get married, but that isn't true. I gave him the choice, and that isn't widely known. He chose to marry me. If he hadn't, I’d have coped. I’d have had the child and kept it. I’d never have considered adoption. I had no idea then what was in the offing. His career was just beginning in a small way.”

Cynthia, 1976

Before Cynthia told John, she was scared to tell him. She didn't know how he would react and Cynthia didn't want to believe it either. Other than the morning sickness, she didn't feel pregnant, her clothes still fit at that point. Babies were not in Cynthia's mind at all; her knowledge on babies and children were next to zero and figured she would have them later after career and marriage- perhaps after 25 years old, 30 may have been better suited. Not 22, 23 years old. John and Cynthia never used protection, there were no condoms, birth control pills, and other kinds- if there were in existence, then it may have been really expensive and still in experiment testing. They didn't think that pregnancy would ever happen to them. Ignorance was bliss. I know later John would blame Cynthia for getting pregnant, according to Fred Seaman, his personal assistant, making it all her fault to trap him into marriage. Well, guess what, John? It takes two to make a baby and you are 50% of the blame. And I am very sure that Cynthia didn't plan on getting pregnant. It could be John's Macho attitude, drugs alternating his memory or selective, and of course, Yoko. But let's set this aside for another post down in the future for discussion- let's focus on what was happening in 1962. Although John and Cynthia knew how babies were made and were both taught that if boy gets girl pregnant, they get married. Cynthia gave John an option to not marry her, to go off and not be involved while she would face the consequences of being outcasted.

“I became pregnant because nobody told me how you did it, or rather what you did about it.”

Cynthia, 1999

“I was 22 and John was 21 when we got married. I was pregnant at the time. I didn't know anything about birth control. Neither of us were thinking about the consequences. When we found out, we just said, 'Oh my God, what are we going to do?’ If he’d said at that point he wasn't ready for marriage, I would have accepted that. I wasn't out to trap him. I mean, it ruined my career at college- I was taking my NDD, my teacher's diploma. His career started and mine finished. If I hadn't met John and got married, I would have been an art school teacher or gone into the commercial art world.”

Cynthia, 1988

“I didn't know if John would want to get married. I didn't want to tie him down.”

Cynthia, 1968

“I was a bit shocked when she told me. But I said, ‘Yes, we’ll have to get married.’ I didn't fight it. I went in the day before to tell Mimi. I said Cyn was having a baby, we were getting married tomorrow, did she want to come? She just let out a groan.”

John, 1968

Hmm not really… John probably condensed it and made it sound 'whatever’ innocent than to what actually happened. We now know by a few accounts (Cynthia, Julia, maybe one or two other) that Mimi knew longer than less than 24 hours of the wedding. Not sure how long though. In Ray Coleman's Lennon book, John told Mimi the same day Cynthia told him. Needless to say, Mimi did not take the news well. According to what John told Cynthia, she threw things at him, yelling and so forth. Mimi decided to boycott the wedding and… whoa I am jumping ahead of myself! Let's take a few steps back on the moment Cynthia told John that he is going to become a Daddy. The many times Cynthia recounted the story, she was crying while sharing the news and his face turned white. Inside his mind, John was panicking but reassured her not to worry: they will get married. John didn't demand abortion, I don't think it occurred to him. In those days, abortion was dangerous and rare. Although I do wonder what he thought when Cynthia told him that they didn't have to marry and he can break up with her? But one thing for sure, I have to admit, it was a bad time. He did have the option to walk away, yet later on, John made it sound like he HAD to, like an obligation or someone holding a gun to his head (bad metaphor, I know). Maybe he wanted it to sound like he was cornered? As I mentioned earlier, according to Fred Seaman, John detested Cynthia as he felt she purposely got pregnant; there were no drink (despite John saying Julian was a product of the whiskey Saturday night- get into that insensitive comment later in another post), no drugs, no plan, no seduction, no influence, no rape. But that wasn't the bad timing, that happened later during the Yoko years. It was bad timing because John was at the verge of becoming the biggest thing since Elvis Presley and sliced bread and Cynthia was so close of finishing college and start full time on her career. John told Brian the news, he was supportive enough to arrange the wedding but I don't think Brian was thrilled. Brian felt that a married Beatle for teenage girls to swoon over was bad for the image. The wedding and marriage would have to be kept secret. We’ll get more into that in another post (tired of me saying that? So much to get into, so many layers of their story!). Around that time, Cynthia's mother Lillian came to England for a visit. Cynthia was scared to tell her mother and waited until the night before she left to let her know that she will be a Grandmother. She figured she didn't want to ruin her mother's visit. However, Lillian turned out to be supportive as these things do happen. Lillian thought of cancelling her ticket but Cynthia told her not to: Lillian save a long time for her ticket and she can save for another ticket to see her first grandchild. The next day after Lillian's departure was the day Cynthia became Mrs. Lennon. As mentioned a little while ago, Mimi was not thrilled. She encouraged the family not to attend his wedding (or else you will receive Mimi's wrath) and enlisted her sister Nanny to persuade John not to marry Cynthia. Mimi (and Nanny) thought Cynthia could move to Canada to be with her mother and have the baby there- out of sight, out of mind. But John wouldn't have any of that.

“I do remember John being told he didn't have to marry Cynthia, who’d become pregnant. So here another family baby was being called into question. If John had shown any doubt, I think the family might well have closed ranks around him. But John’s certain reply was, 'I’m going to marry her. I want to marry Cynthia.’ Of course, he did- she was beautiful, they both had with and, as artists, shared a common creative talent. But marriage, I think, was not thought quite the image for a group idolized by teenagers and, on Brian Epstein's instructions, it was therefore kept very low key. Jackie and I weren't allowed to go to the wedding, though we knew about it.”

Julia Baird

An early acceptance of Mimi's attitude towards the pending wedding was that she gave John the money to buy Cynthia a wedding ring. He took Cynthia to a jewelry store where she picked a ring she wanted.

There's a story that Mimi told relatives, it's in Ray Coleman's book Lennon as well, that John sat down and cried, confessing that he didn't want to get married the night before the big day. Reality must have hit him hard. It is a big step, no question. After he found out about the pregnancy until his breakdown moment, John presented a supportive, encouraging, and determined to get married front in Cynthia's company. They would joke about being elderly married couple. But to others, John told them he had to to protect Cynthia and the baby. I can't really blame him for his insecurities and views about marriage and family. His family history did not have the greatest track record, John's music career was starting to get hot and on demand, I am also sure that Stuart's death was still heavily on his mind. Plus, he was 21 years old. When I was 21, I knew full well that I wasn't ready to marry and settle down, become a parent, despite I had nowhere near what John and Cynthia were going through. I can only understand the mindset of a 21 year old. If John was being insecure, unsure, scared, denial, not ready, I can understand it. He was probably giving a reason to go through with the wedding and be a Macho man. I do genuinely believe John was in love with Cynthia, he did want to marry her and have children. But not in 1962. Maybe 1964, 1965. To be fair, I am certain Cynthia had her own doubts, especially with motherhood and being a secret wife. She would have to make more sacrifices than John, in my opinion. She had to give up any kind of career in the art world and have her life woven into with John's life and her baby. It's a lot to take in.

“He talked about Cynthia ‘expecting’ and- while I don't remember exactly what he said- I get the clear sense he wasn't happy about becoming a father. I also got the impression he loved Cynthia very much.”

Linda Ness, a friend of John's

“I thought it would be goodbye to the group, getting married. None of us ever took girls to the Cavern, as we thought we would lose fans- which turned out to be farced in the end. But I did feel embarrassed, talking about being married. It was like walking about with odd socks on or your fly open.”

John, 1965

Now while you think 'How dare John to say that!’, just also know that Cynthia completely knew what he meant and agreed with him.

John, why do you have to get married? (Fan question, 1964)

“Because same reason why anybody would get married, you know? Don't be slushy-like, but you do it if you wanna get married, but you gotta go, you gotta go. As I always say.”

Whatever reservations John may have had, he went through with it. He was taking a big risk with his career and he knew it. John also may have not want to repeat the cycle of what his own father did- especially before the baby was born.