"Well, it’s mothers and their children, they die for them. When you see your child in pain and having nightmares, you see all the sadness of betrayal and rejection – that is really hard to live with because there’s not a thing you can do about it. You have to double up on your own love, but nothing compares with having a father AND a mother, they are two different aspects of caring for a child. Half of that had gone and Julian missed it. And I missed the fact that John couldn’t advise his son or talk to him, because it would have made the path so much smoother for everybody.”
Cynthia, 2005
Julian and Cynthia at home in Kenwood, Weybridge, Spring of 1965
Photographed by Henry Grossman
Literally, since the moment Cynthia found out she was pregnant, she was a single mother. Sure, the biological father (John) was around and intended to be there... but he wasn't there 100%. Even when John was around, his mind wasn't all there. For most of their marriage, John was away a lot. When Julian was born, John was away. Then the divorce, John was off and running about. This isn't to knock John as a neglected father of sorts, it's mainly to point out the main subject of the story: Cynthia and Julian. Let's face it, mother and son were inseparable from the beginning till end: July 1962 (when Julian was conceived) until April 2015 (Cynthia's death). Cynthia and Julian were two peas in a pod. I can deeply relate to this: my mom raised me entirely on her own. My father makes John to be Father of the Year material... while there was at least an existing bond between John and Julian, there was none with me and my father. I never lived with my father, there was very little interaction from birth until I was about 4 years old when then he disappeared entirely. No child support, not even a birthday card sent in the wrong month. Nothing. I know next to nothing about him. I did thought that one day we would cross paths but it's never to be as he passed away in 2017. But I always had my mom, and we were as close as two peas in a pod (she's still alive). Interestingly enough, I rarely had any anger about my dad not being around, unlike Julian. Maybe because my dad wasn't famous, so he wasn't talked about a lot, or being referred frequently around that it was more easier for me to just get on with life without my dad around.
Well, let's start from the beginning: In August of 1962, Cynthia discovered she was pregnant. Honestly, she was not thrilled. Cynthia wanted a career, she wanted to teach, to make something of herself, and eventually settle down with children later on in a few years time. The other problem was that John was at the brink of success and being taken was hard enough, nevermind married. Yet, immediately, it was clear to Cynthia that abortion and adoption were out of the question; I don't think either were considered or thought of. I already wrote in depth of Cynthia's pregnancy in First Comes Love, Then Pregnancy, Secret Newlyweds, Welcome to the World, and Abnormal Family. At first, Cynthia pretended not to be pregnant- the only bout was morning sickness. But it weighed heavily on her mind, she was scared of John's reaction until she couldn't take it anymore. This was really happening. During the process, Cynthia accepted her pending family addition. But I can't say she had a happy pregnancy, as Cynthia admitted in her John book. Immediately, Cynthia had to keep her pregnancy a secret. Only family and very close friends knew. Around 3 months pregnant, Cynthia discovered she was bleeding and nearly miscarried. Her husband was barely around, maybe a weekend off once a month, a week was a miracle. Then Cynthia went through the stress of having to live with John's Aunt Mimi. Her mother was living on the other side of the world in Canada. I highly doubt Cynthia had a baby shower. Cynthia was still hiding her pregnancy from Mimi's renters. She was mostly alone in this life changing experience. Talk about being a single mother here! Cynthia tried to make the best of it, to go with the flow, and be optimistic on the future. After Cynthia gave birth to Julian (all on her own), she was completely besotted by him. From that very moment up until her last breath, Julian was the love of her life. She even said so. That being said, other than Dr. Spock book, there's no handbook on motherhood... Well, there's a lot now (books, podcasts, blogs, newsletters, etc) but not in 1963. I think in that time, the new mother would be relying on her mother for help. As mentioned, Cynthia's mother was in Canada. Aunt Mimi was childless, and certainly wasn't much help. It's fair to say that Cynthia had a rough start on motherhood. As she admitted in her second book that she knew if she didn't have a baby, Cynthia would've been at John's side in some way and no doubt at that moment, she would've preferred that. Julian was not an easy baby: he cried. A lot. But once her mother returned and they moved away from Mimi, Julian at six months old became a dream come true and Cynthia got more relaxed in motherhood.
"I have to say, though, that it was my mum, Cynthia, who made me the conscious man I am today. Obviously, Dad had his beliefs and his way of doing things. But it was Mum who taught me my values in life. It is out of respect for her that I want to be a good son, a good man, and a good human being."
Julian
"All that mattered was for him to be a happy little soul. Just to be a free spirit, and not to be too much influenced by what was going on around him, like crazy parties, night clubs and drugs. I tried to protect him from the little bit of lunacy that was going on at the time. Hopefully I represented the normal in his life."
Cynthia
“Well, ‘cause he doesn't know anything different, you see. You know, if you are the 'son of’, I guess you're lumbered with it, you know? He’s very normal, in the nicest sense of the word. And I think that's probably due to his mother who sort of, you know, put him - we made sure he went into ordinary schools, you know. And mixed with ordinary kids. So I think he’ll survive it as well as you can survive being the son of Dracula or whatever.”
John, 1974
Both John and Cynthia were determined for Julian to have a "normal" upbringing as they could under John's circumstances. Not only was John caught in a whirlwind of fame, but there was substance abuse involved. Cynthia quickly knew that she would have to be the healthy one of the pair. Cynthia wasn't exactly lifted off her feet by fame and she stayed home. I suppose after Cynthia saw that John was under the influence, she quickly realized that someone has to stay sober in order to raise Julian, and that someone was her.
I've often wondered how John really felt when he came home and see Cynthia and Julian having their moment, whether if it was Julian wanting to be held or have a booboo and wanted comfort, having their own little "in" jokes. I wonder if John ever felt left out whenever Cynthia and Julian shared a tender moment? Oddly enough, Julian once said that he barely had any memories of Cynthia during that time of Kenwood, he mostly recalled moments with John. I do think it's because John died while Julian was still young and Julian wanted memories to hold on more tighter, subconsciously. Not surprisingly, Cynthia and Julian got more closer after she and John split.
Around the time Cynthia got together with third husband John Twist by 1976, Julian went to boarding school abroad while living in North Wales. I don't think the separation/homesickness was bad for Julian, he didn't like his new stepfather so being away was more of a relief. Julian only had to deal with John Twist during school breaks and holidays, unless he was in New York visiting John. After Cynthia's divorce from John Twist and John's death, Julian moved out on his own at 18. He continued to be very close to Cynthia, even hooked her up with two relationships that lasted over a decade with his motorcycle teacher Jim Christie and nightclub owner pal Noel Charles. While for the most part Cynthia and Julian were very close, there had been a few bumps. Most notably right after John's death- Julian got mad at Cynthia for not being strong enough in her crumbling marriage to John to save it.
Julian and Cynthia outside her home in Cumbria, 1984
"We are there for each other, Mum and I. We'll be there for each other in a heartbeat and we always have been. When I was a teenager in North Wales, and the only thing I cared about at school was art, Mum even became my unofficial art teacher, when it turned out that the school art teacher had taught us all entirely the wrong O-Level syllabus."
Julian
"She's it. She has to be 99.9 per cent why I do anything at all. I feel that she's been through the mill, and I figured that if she's been able to get through it all and stand up with her head held high and be as strong, confident, and beautiful as she is, then the least I can do is come somewhere close to that and make her proud of me. And to love, respect, and honour her in every way, shape or form that I can."
Julian, 2010
"I have to thank Mum for who I am. She has played the bigger part in my life, keeping me together, in the way I am and the way I treat people. She has always been the most important thing in my life, and will always be."
Julian
"The closest person in my life, who is everything for me, who guided me and who helped me find myself, was my mother. She was always that kind of person that let you resolve your problems yourself. I mean, if you really couldn't do it she would help. But I had to figure out things myself and that was important, she sort of let me be."
Julian
“I have been looking out for my mum for years. I want to protect her completely and utterly. I am a complete mother’s boy. I try to do everything with honor, respect and grace because the last thing I would want to do is hurt her.”
Julian
"I speak to her once a week and we're very close. We're always advising each other, it's an ongoing growth. I couldn't be happier in that respect. I go and see her about twice a year and usually get a good telling-off. You know what mothers are like at keeping a watchful eye on their sons! It's nothing specific and nothing serious- just a look."
Julian, 1995
"He phones once a week. For the past two years he's been phoning regularly, before that he was too busy sorting his own life out, and his career. When he was 23, I said I'd give him five years and he'd be all right. But it was much less than that. He's a young man now, no longer a teenager I'm responsible for. Now that he's earned a little bit I can lean on him, which is lovely, without too much pressure. There's no sign of marriage yet. I'm looking forward to all that - his wedding and him having children. I did advise him when he was younger to do what Prince Charles did and wait til he was 30, at least."
Cynthia, 1988
"We are very close. We're like brother and sister now."
Cynthia, 1999
"In fact it's funny, because Julian recently came home and told me he'd been to a psychologist in America at his girlfriend's insistence. She wanted to sort their relationship out or something. But he said, 'Mum, they're all crackers here. You're my analyst and you don't cost anything.' So we're each others shrink!"
Cynthia, 1995
Since I already covered Julian's involvement in Cynthia's death (Rest in Peace Cynthia), I'll talk a little bit of the aftermath: After Cynthia's death, Julian dedicated all three of his children books (Touch the Earth, Heal the Earth, and Love the Earth) to her, recalling memories of Cynthia and her mother Lillian reading to him before bedtime when he was a little child (John did read to Julian a few times when home, just letting you know that!). In September of 2015 to mark her birthday after her death, Julian launched The Cynthia Lennon Scholarship for Girls to provide new generations of young women with the education, tools and confidence through his charity, The White Feather Foundation. The scholarship cover costs of school fees, tutoring, uniforms, textbooks/materials, activities, transportation and boarding costs where necessary. There's no question that everything Julian does would be dedicated to Cynthia.
"I feel I have to apologize for saying it more than once, but my son is amazing. We have such an understanding. It's no bullshit and I'm not being sugary or sentimental: he's just turned out above and beyond my wildest dreams."
Cynthia, 1999
“She lived life with such grace, such dignity, such love, such care. And you could feel that and see that in everything she did. And everything she represented. And how she lived her life. She’s, without question, been my hero, my guiding light, my entire life. She used to say to me: ‘You’re like me in the week. And you’re like your dad on the weekends.’”
Julian, 2019
