John and Julian on a plane
Photographed by May Pang
"It'll take a week before we'll be able to touch and another week before we're relaxed enough to hug."
John (private conversation with a friend)
The last we left off on John and Julian's relationship was Yoko telling Cynthia that they will talk about Julian while John and Tony will talk about Kyoko. That plan failed miserably (rightfully so) on both sides. John left England for good on August 31, 1971, settling in New York while Yoko was fighting custody for Kyoko. He didn't tell Cynthia. To be fair to John, I don't think he thought it would be permanent. John and Yoko didn't take any furniture with them, just an average suitcase to live in until realizing they were building a home life. However, at that point, John grew unsatisfied with England. The fans, press, friends, family, well... it felt like it was England versus JohnandYoko. From August of 1971 until John and Yoko were separated in late 1973, Julian did not hear from his father. No letters, postcards, a phone call... nothing. Only robotic holiday cards for birthday and Christmas done by Apple Corps. It's widely believed that Yoko and John decided that as long as Yoko couldn't see Kyoko, it's only fair that John shouldn't see Julian. It's no secret that Yoko demanded equality on John, who was usually the dominant figure. The last time John and Yoko saw Kyoko was in Baleares Islands, Spain on April 23, 1971 during a court custody battle; the battle was getting so bad that a judge asked Kyoko who SHE wanted to be with. Kyoko picked her father and they rode off to the sunset; Kyoko and Yoko eventually reunited in the 1990s. I know Yoko gets most of the blame for this, and I certainly not in a disagreement. Yet, there were other faults: I do blame Tony for not seeing to terms on the custody agreement. While I do understand why: Tony and Kyoko were close as Julian and Cynthia were. Tony loves his daughter, and he felt he was getting bullied into the corner by John and Yoko- who had the money and the means to make his life a living hell if he didn't comply to their demands. I can't be angry at Tony for feeling that way as I could only imagine being in his shoes with the idea that there's a positive chance he wouldn't be with Kyoko as much as he was. However, I can't overlook his part of responsibility in this downfall on John's relationship with Julian. Another fault: John. I don't feel I need to stress out the reasons why as they're already been pointed out on this blog here and there. Besides, you pretty much know why.
“It was hard for John to give space to a child, because he was more involved in growing up himself. His need for love and attention was very large. I was concerned about it but I felt that John needed a couple more years to come to terms with the relationship. He didn’t know how to deal with it.”
Yoko, 1985
"I took Julian out to reunite him with his father. Their relationship was very good after that. But for four years there was no contact, which I found terribly sad."
Cynthia, 1995
Anyway, it's some time in late 1973. John was now living with May Pang, their assistant, and who Yoko assigned to be John's companion. Now, I promise I will dive deeper into these visits in their own posts as I have so much ground to cover already as it is.
"I think I sensed the distance later on, not necessary at that age because I wasn't really aware of how a father supposed to be in the first place. But it was more towards the later years when I was I think around 14. I remember being in the house that Dad rented in Montauk and it was one of the first trips I made over to America, so it was very exciting. I used to laugh a lot in those days. I had this really, really annoying laugh. I remember being shouted out a number of times for laughing too much. That was scary, in fact. I got a bit worried but it calmed down after that."
Julian
Ah, yes, the laughing incident that scared Julian for life. But that happened later, around 1977, 1978. The family (Yoko and Sean, too) were making pancakes,having a grand time... Julian laughed. John abruptly shouted at Julian, telling him he had a horrible laugh. When Julian returned home to Cynthia, she noticed he wouldn't laugh along a humorous program and found out what John did. To this day, Julian seldom laughs. Definitely not one of John's father knows best moments. Even Yoko was shocked by that eruption.
John and Julian relaxing by the pool while in Palm Springs, Florida, December of 1974.
Photographed by Bob Davidoff
"Seeing him is good. What we do is irrelevant. I went through a period of, 'What are we gonna do?' and all that crap. It doesn't really matter. As long as he's around, 'cause I don't see him that often."
John, 1975
"During the drive Julian alternated between shyness and ease with his father. He said to John, 'I can't believe I can talk to you whenever I want to now.' John was puzzled. 'Do you remember in England when I used to come visit you? I was allowed to speak to you only once or twice a day. Otherwise I couldn't speak to you at all,' Julian told him."
May Pang, 1983 from her book Loving John
You'd think that would really strike a nerve on John, especially when he got back with Yoko by February of 1975. Anyway, after the first reunion visit, John and May took Cynthia and Julian to the airport.
"When we returned to the car, John leaned back and breathed a long sigh of relief. 'You've got to make me a promise,' I said on the way home. 'What is it?' 'I want you to call Julian once a week. It would be terrible for him after this time with you if you disappointed him by disappearing again. You're a real person to him now and you've got to keep in touch.' John hemmed and hawed. Then he said, 'It is the right thing to do. I promise you, Fung Yee.' He was silent for a while, then John said suddenly, 'I really would like to keep in touch with me son.'"
May Pang, 1983 from her book Loving John
"I think the silliest and most fun time was probably- and I would say, no disrespect to Yoko- was when he was with May, because he just seemed very carefree. May was very young at heart as well. She was very young and it was like being a kid with Dad. It was probably one of the first times that I could just actually be with him and hang with him, without him going to a business meeting or the studio, or this, that and the other. Whereas when he was tied with Yoko, or the Beatles, or any other situation, he was always taken away for one reason or the other, always occupied in some way, shape or form. So probably that. But also I do recall when he was living in Tittenhurst Park. There were good times too, so I can't forget those."
Julian, 2010
Julian and John in 1974
from Julian's Instagram
Then, in early 1975, Yoko invited John over and, well, he never left. They got back together and his relationship with May was over. Yoko soon announced she was pregnant. Also, not surprisingly although indeed disappointing, John's contact with Julian went downhill. Sean was born on October 9, 1975 and he obviously became the apple in John's eye, all his focus and attention went to the new baby. I'm sure Julian, and Cynthia, knew that this will not be an easy situation now... let's face it: John made no secret who his favorite child was. I do think it's mostly because John knew he screwed up the first time around on fatherhood and decided to do better on the second time. Now, this is not my intention to do any drama or pit one brother against the other as Julian and Sean were and still are very close, they love each other deeply and I highly respect that. The contact between John and Julian didn't go downhill completely; but John started to get hard to hold of. Now that he was back with Yoko and their staff quarters in their The Dakota home, whenever Julian would attempt to call, he got more roadblocks than he could count, including Yoko excusing John saying, 'he's busy' or 'he's sleeping'. Julian wasn't the only one with that problem, John's sister Julia also. I recall Mick Jagger saying a similar thing some time back in the 1990s when trying to get in touch with John while in New York. After trying, Julian eventually would give up and let John do the calling... which he did... on occasion. It wasn't until 1977 when Julian returned to New York to see his dad and Yoko, and meet his brother Sean for the first time.
"He was back with Yoko and she was going to have a baby. He was such a warm guy and I think he had always felt guilty about the absent father he had been with Julian. Let's face it, if it weren't for May, he wouldn't have even kept in touch with Julian. Guilt had set in. He was determined not to repeat that experience"
Mario Casciano, John's personal assistant
During this time, Julian realized an unfair reality check: Sean got whatever he wanted while Julian would get only modest gifts, while living in a cottage with limited amount of money and possessions. But, I have to say something about this: when Julian lived with John in Weybridge, he did have a big bedroom as Sean later did in The Dakota, and John did spoil Julian rotten then, too. That being said, I do think its a positive thing for Julian to experience the hard-working middle class values as it has made Julian humble and be aware of money issues, knowing frugal ways to survive, and to appreciate the value of the dollar. Of course it's more than being spoiled... there's also the fact that John was openly affectionate to Sean while struggling to muster an attempt to give Julian a pat on the head. Another is John openly saying I Love You to Sean while Julian once told Katie Couric in an interview that he doesn't remember John saying I Love You to him. I hope John did say it.... it would be tremendously heartbreaking if he didn't. He must've as John was determined to reconnect with Julian. He could've while still married to Cynthia.
"It just boggles my mind that I have this 16 year old kid now. He's into Rush, Led Zeppelin, and all these weird bands, and you know, I sometimes ask myself, 'Who is this stranger?' I have no idea what he's thinking or feeling. I have to admit that it's a lot like my relationship with my old man, and I wish we could be closer. I don't know where his head is at. I don't know what he feels, or what he thinks about me. I don't know any of his friends. I have no idea if he has any girlfriends. I don't even know if I should assume he's into girls!"
John, 1979 (private conversation with a friend)
Julian, John, and Sean with their guitars in New York City, 1978
By 1980, there had been a spike of frequent calls from John to Julian. Sean was turning five that year, the same age Julian was when his parents divorced, and John was ready to get back to music and worked on Double Fantasy. The last time Julian saw John was in April of 1979, when the family took a trip to Palm Beach where John and Yoko bought a home; John did loved it there, perhaps even inspired as he and Julian were in West Palm Beach together in December of 1974. During that holiday, Julian turned 16 years old. I believe it was the first time after the divorce, and maybe only time, that John got to celebrate his son's birthday with Julian. I'll need to look into that more.
"I used to get shouted at a lot, and Dad would yell at me for laughing too much. Like, ‘Be quiet, Sean’s sleeping.’ All sorts of strange things... I was a bit jealous, but I never said anything.”
Julian, 1985
"I went to Dakota, and this is a relatively big room, but there is one with similar size and it would just be filled with toys and climbing things and cuddly, you know, you name it. Sean had it. And I just went, 'Hmm. I see. I see where the love's going with this,' you know. And there is Mum and I scraping by, you know, and I just thought, 'Thanks. Thanks.' No, I didn't tell him that. Of course not. Especially then, because I was, you know, afraid of him at that point in time, you know. You know, I'd witnessed his tempers at an early age. I certainly didn't want the wrath of Lennon coming down on me at that age, you know. I was just trying to get to know the guy."
Julian, 1999
"Nobody knows about children, that’s the thing. You look in the books, there’s no real experts. Everybody’s got a different opinion. You learn by default, in a way. And I made a lot of mistakes already, but what can you do? But I think it’s better for him to see me as I am. If I’m grumpy, I’m grumpy. If I’m not, I’m not. If I want to play, I’ll play. If I don’t, I don’t. I don’t kow-tow to him. I’m as straight with him as I can be. And, yes I can afford to take the time. But anybody with a working wife might be able to take the time, if he doesn’t have a working wife because they're poor and they both have to work, with the cost of living. But I know lots of dads that aren’t working that hard, in an office all day to avoid life, you know. Or sitting behind desks, doing nothing, just shuffling paper, right, waiting for lunchtime to get a cocktail. But I don’t buy that, you know, ‘my career is so important that I’ll deal with the kids later’ bit. Which I already did with my first marriage and my first child – and I kind of regret it. And now him and me have problems. And, God-willing, I won’t or we won't have problems later on or maybe we will, I don’t know. I’m just hoping that whatever I give now, which is time, I won’t have to pay because I think you can’t cheat kids, ’cause if you cheat ’em when they’re children, they’ll make you pay when they’re 16 or 17, by revolt against you or hate you or all those so-called ‘teenage problems’; I don’t really think that’s an in-born, nature thing. I think that’s finally when they get old enough to stand up to you and tell you what a hypocrite you’ve been all this time; ‘you’ve never given me what I really wanted: which was you'".
John, 1980
"My dad was really strict that way. In fact, when you asked about the memories, I didn’t want to say it, but I have some less than happy memories, too. Of him screaming at me, you know? He definitely had a violent temper. He would get angry sometimes. And when he did, that voice that was soothing would become like a knife."
Sean, 1998
"I think it was also hard for him to become a sensitive monogamist. Because he was a macho Liverpudlian. I think my mom really tamed him. Look at the 'lost weekend' in L.A. He was a macho pig in lots of ways, and he knew it. I think his greatest accomplishment was recognizing that he was a macho asshole and trying to stop it. Like that song, Cool chick baby, a line from Death of Samantha, That’s all about him having sex with some girl at a party where my mom was. When I think back on those events, and hear about them, I think of my dad as being a huge asshole. And the only thing that made it OK was that he could admit it. That was his saving grace. He tried to overcome it. I don’t want people to think I’m being disrespectful. But then again, he’s my dad, and I know better than they do, man. I know that he was a great guy. But he was also an asshole in a lot of ways. There’s no question about it."
Sean, 1998
“He was teaching me how to cut and eat steak, which was a mystery to me at age 4; how to stick the fork in and cut behind it, and that was how you got a piece in your mouth. I think it was that night when he got very upset with me, I think because of something I did very cheekily with the steak. He did wind up yelling at me very, very loudly to the point where he damaged my ear, and I had to go to the hospital. I remember when I was lying on the floor and hurting, and him holding me and saying, ‘I’m so sorry.’ He did have a temper.”
Sean
"We go out quite a lot together, round some of the art galleries or to his house at Long Island. When we stayed in, we have a musical jam sessions together, singing our latest songs to each other, or talking about art."
Julian
"He was like a real Dad, you know? I mean, he was the boss. He got heavy on occasion so I didn't shoot my mouth off a hell of a lot. I was very quiet. We used to sit down with guitars and mess around, playing old blues and rock."
Julian, 1984
"He was becoming a good father. There was a spell where he had to sort himself out because I think he was a bit of a child himself. He couldn't quite understand what was happening to him, his life was incredibly complicated."
Cynthia
"He never came to see me, I had to go to him. It's a shame, but you know, forgive and forget. I'd rather not think about the times I didn't see him."
Julian, 1985
"I was trying to get to know him more, the last couple of times we saw each other. It was difficult. Because he didn't know who I was really. It was both he and I trying to break walls down, but never to be. That's a tough one, yeah."
Julian, 1999
Julian and John in Palm Beach, Florida, April of 1979.
It would be the last time John and Julian would see each other.
Photographed by Fred Seaman
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