One would.think that after someone dies, that's the end of the relationship - done. Over. The End. Well, not quite. John may be gone, but Julian is still alive (at least at this time of writing in 2025) and there's lots of aftereffects of the relationship. Grief and its 5 stages (anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). Julian definitely going through those stages for over 40 years. Grief doesn't stop. Sometimes, once you feel you're over it and then - BOOM! You will see, smell, touch, taste, or hear something that would remind you of the deceased loved one.
Here's a short recap:
John died on the night of December 8, 1980 in New York City. Julian was at home in Ruthin, North Wales when he received the news. The house was already being surrounded by the press; a shell shocked Julian went out drinking while his mother was in London, hurrying th fast as she could home. By the time Cynthia arrived, Julian returned and wept on her shoulder.
"I was 17 when I lost my father. John was 17 when he lost his mother and Julian was 17 when he lost his father. He and John were just starting to talk together when some nutcase decided to knock him off."
Cynthia, 2000
Well now, let's go over these 5 stages...
DENIAL & BARGAINING
I am not saying Julian was in denial over John's death nor would he want to change lives. But I do believe the denial and bargaining stages come from the outside: record companies, fans, press/media. I can't imagine how it was chaotic, especially for a 20 year old. Julian already then decided to get into music and carry on the family name; he was in a band or two by 1981 and by 1984, he finally caught a record deal and exploded in popularity. There was something that really pissed off Cynthia: there's always a someone trying to take over the parents' role, including a very much alive (until 2015) mother. The first time they met, her future 4th husband Noel Charles told Cynthia that Julian was like a son to him. That didn't go well.
"I know that Dad's presence will be around for a long time. He was always joking, always sounded happy, which made me think more of him as a friend than a dad."
Julian, 1981
"Late one evening, Cynthia and I are having a last drink in Harry's bar, watching Julian talking to some friends across the room. 'You know, I really love your son. I've known him all these years and I couldn't bear it if anything bad ever happened to him. Did he ever tell you how we first met at Tramp?'
'No, he never mentioned it,' she says, a sudden coldness in her voice. 'Do you know how many people in Julian's life have said that kind of thing to me? "I love Julian. He's like my surrogate son". Or even "I'm his surrogate mother". Do any of you people ever stop to think how insulting this is to me - as if I don't exist. I am his mother. And the truth is that all these "surrogates" want is to get something from my son, not to give him something.'
'But that's not how it is with me...'
'Oh sure, you're different. You only want to help him, right? Piss off. If you had gone through three days of agony like I did to bring him into this world, then you might understand what real parental love is all about. I am his mother. There are no surrogates in our family. His father is not with us anymore. So don't go there. I'm not interested.'
'I am really very sorry. I mean it,' I say. At that moment, more than ever before, I can see what these two people have endured over the years. I see the 'first Lennon family' fending for themselves while the 'second Lennon family' shines in the floodlights of the world's monstrous publicity machine. I can see Cynthia and Julian trying to fend off every con artist on the planet who has a plan to cash in on their names. I can see how Cynthia has fought to protect her son, to respect his legacy, and to hold her own head aloft in the face of tragedy and exploitation. For the first time, I have seen the tiger's strength that lives within this beautiful lady."
Noel Charles, from this book In My House. 2012
"He was totally lost. Totally screwed up. Hence the drugs, hence he was performing with a lot older musicians, session musicians, and he was 19-20. So he got sucked into it."
Cynthia, 1999
"When he left me for Yoko, John abandoned Julian too. He refused to see him for 4 years and I never spoke to John again. He was really chucked in at the deep end when his father died, from being a schoolboy to doing a tour in America. The Americans felt guilty about John's death and opened their arms to Julian, giving him everything to compensate for what had happened in their country. But he's been knocked so many times. I don't know why. He's the son of one of the greatest pop legends of all time. But I just wish I could read something that supports him instead of knocking him."
Cynthia, 1995
"It had always been, 'John Lennon’s son, John Lennon’s son', and I’m going, for f’s sake. I said, what I need to do for me, first and foremost, is to build up a body of work, a foundation that I can stand on, that nobody can take away from me. And I continue to do so. It’s not to show off, it’s just to prove to myself that I can actually do this stuff. I’m not interested in fighting other people’s opinions."
Julian, 2025
“The whole shadow thing drove me nuts.'You’re under the shadow…’ shut up, no I’m not. I never felt that way. It was only when other people brought that into the frame that it was a reminder of how people viewed me, because I would just get on with things.”
Julian, 2022
DEPRESSION & ANGER
The 1980s were Julian's career riding high with people trying to fill the father void and being too focused. By the 1990s, depression and anger kicked into gear after his music career cooled down. Not only did record companies screwed him, but he really got angry at John for being a shitty dad and at Yoko for being an estate money hog. Yes, these things were hanging over Julian's head from the get-go, but the shit really hit the fan. Drugs were around, but I.don't think Julian got heavily addicted to anything - I don't recall any rehab stays but then again that is anonymous and confidential. However, I think the drug intake dwindled away, and it stayed away, and got Julian out of its phase and system. In his VH1 Behind the Music episode, as well as his 20/20 interview, Julian unleashed his anger while promoting his new album Photograph Smile.
"I was actually very like Dad as we were both angry young men. He had locked all his emotions away about his own mother. It then came out as anger."
Julian, 2009
"Losing a parent young is devastating. I can only try to educate him, to make him feel that his father did love him even if he can't tell him any more. I need him to see that there was love there, to see the letters his Dad wrote to me and say, 'Ok, darling, he was a man, a simple man with a massive talent and what you have to do is get under the skin of that man rather than read about him in those trashy books.'"
Cynthia, 2000
"The biggest tragedy is what it did to Julian. He's 32 now and incredibly together despite everything. He has borne his scars well. Perhaps he should have been an actor, because he hid so much pain."
Cynthia, 1995
"But that is now all in the past. Yes, Mum and I were treated with disrespect. Yes, there was a lot of anger from Dad towards the two of us, but I can now understand why. Maybe it's the passing of time and me being older."
Julian
"I think it was Mum, watching how she handled what she was dealt with love and grace and positivity. I saw that that’s the only way forward. You take the high road, you be the better person and try to learn from all the crap that’s thrown at you. Without question, I’ve had my moments of depression and I still deal with some very serious anxiety on occasion, but the only way is to push yourself through. Wallowing’s no good – been there, done that."
Julian, 2025
“I’ve certainly dealt with panic attacks, anxiety and depression quite heavily in the past. Not so much anymore, thankfully."
Julian, 2022
ACCEPTANCE
I believe the anger towards John and Yoko started to wane by the time the 2000s came, in 2010 in particular when Julian did his first photography exhibition and happily posed with Yoko. Julian publicly stated that he realized his anger towards Yoko was hurting Sean so he decided to let it go. Since then, it has been rather peaceful and supportive with Yoko. As for making peace with John with the abandonment and loss, it took a little bit more time. It wasn't until his nursery school friend Lucy O'Donnell Vodden passed away that it changed something for Julian. It's hard being angry at a ghost. Then came the White Feather while he was in Australia, touring for (ironically) Photograph Smile on while his John and Yoko tirade. Julian decided to forgive. I'm sure after his mother passed away, it offered a whole new level of acceptance for Julian.
"If John had not been murdered, I wonder how their relationship would have developed. Maybe they would have sung together, jammed together and grown together, bringing the gap of those 4 years when John left and didn't see Julian at all .... when we didn't exist. But they were seeing each other again and John was feeling tremendous guilt that he had fled England."
Cynthia, 1995
"There is nothing but love now. If he was able to come into the room now, we'd hug and cry."
Julian
"Yes, I think he was a great musician and undoubtedly the Beatles were an incredible influence in my life musically, and yet as a father he was not so great. But at the same time I loved him and I still do love him and I try to put away all that negativity about having him as a father and instead come to some kind of understanding about where he was coming from."
Julian
