I’m not going to lie: this won't be an easy post to read and I’ll warn you, there's going to be other posts that are hard to read. They were hard to type up! It will make you cringe, want to give John a slap, wonder why Cynthia put up with it, and so on. But… it is part of John and Cynthia's story. I can't ignore it and turn this blog all dreamy and happy. So, here we go and get it over with…
Cynthia and John on the plane over Atlantic Ocean from London to New York in 1964
“I was hysterical. That was the trouble. I was jealous of anyone she had anything to do with. I demanded absolute trust from her, because I wasn't trustworthy myself. I was neurotic, taking all my frustrations out on her. She did leave me once. That was terrible. I couldn't stand being without her.”
John, 1968
“I’m not passive, I’m patient. But I would not put up with physical abuse.”
Cynthia, 2005
As explained in a previous post, John was not an easy boyfriend: his sudden mood swings, jealousy, possessiveness, demanding… yet Cynthia was blinded by love. There was indeed a break up, although the details are a little murky with a few different versions. In the beginning of their relationship, there was a close call break up; before Cynthia and Thelma, there was his very first girlfriend named Beth. John was 15. There was another girlfriend, Barbara Baker, who John lost his virginity to when he was around 16- but more about that in another section!
“Before me, there was another girl he mentioned to me named Beth whom he was pretty serious about. But her parents couldn't stand John. He kept saying to me, 'Don’t worry, they’ve banned me from seeing her anyway, they think I’m a ruffian. They won't have me around.’”
Cynthia, 1985
John spoke so much about Beth that Cynthia got jealous! One day, John was much later than usual for their date; when he finally showed up, he admitted he went to see Beth for closure.
“He quickly admitted he’d been to see Beth to see if it was finished between them, and it was definitely all over and we were together.”
Cynthia, 1985
Some time after that came the ’big’ break-up. As I mentioned earlier, there's a few different versions of the story in different text colors.
Version 1: From Hunter Davies authorized biography on the Beatles (published in 1968), both John and Cynthia participated during the writing of the book for about 2 years.
“I had enough. It was getting on my nerves. He just went off and kissed another girl.”
Cynthia, 1968
In 1994, Cynthia wrote about her life with John divided in 6 issues of U. K. HELLO! magazine with the same story but with little more details:
“I knew he loved me, yet despite this even in those days, John was a flirt. He couldn't resist chatting up other girls- usually blondes. I got so annoyed over one minor flirtation with a Brigitte Bardot-type that I finished with him. I don't think John could believe it. It was unheard of and it nearly killed me to do it but I stuck to my decision. I went home and refused to go out with him again.”
Cynthia, 1994
In Hunter's book, John echoed the reason for the break up.
Version 2: In Cynthia's second autobiography John published in 2005, she gave a different version of the break up. Since I don't really want to extract from her book (I explain why in a different post), here's from an interview from her promotional book tour:
“John was very insecure. He was very raw inside and full of pain, emotional pain. I think he really relied on me, and he kept testing me to make sure I was constant and that I wouldn't do anything to hurt or harm him. On one particular occasion, I was dancing with our mutual friend Stuart and he happened to walk in and see it and of course got the wrong idea. The following day, in a blind fury, he just smack me across the face and I hit my head on the pipe that was running down the wall. I walked away. It could have been the end of the relationship if he hadn't phoned me, but he was the one who came back to me. And I just couldn't resist.”
Cynthia, 2005
In Ray Coleman's book about John (authorized and participated by the family and friends) published in 1985, Cynthia did mention dancing with Stuart, but nothing about John getting upset by it. John did get into a fight that day but it was with a rude student while he was drinking.
“I was dancing with Stuart upstairs when the row began. We wondered where John had gone but were soon told there was a fight. It was the drink again- he had a very small capacity before he became aggressive. The slightest thing would have him in a terrible temper.”
Cynthia, 1985
She didn't go any further than that.
Maybe John got into a fight with the rude student and afterwards someone told John that his best friend and girlfriend were dancing together (was it a slow ballad? Or a fast moving dance? Don't know...). Cynthia did not say that she and Stuart stopped dancing to look for John, so I guess they continued to dance after being told of a fight and John came in moments later. He was already drunk and angry from the fight and to see Stu and Cyn dancing was a cherry on top. Both tried to convince John that the dance was innocent and it was John who Cynthia loved. He seemed fine but the next day at art college, Cynthia went down to the basement to use the bathroom. John followed her and waited until she came out to slap her across the face. He then left her behind with a sore head. They broke up.
However in 1994’s HELLO! magazine series, Cynthia claimed the breakup lasted 3 weeks while in her 2005 autobiography she said 3 months. Not sure which is more accurate, it could have been a month and a half for all we know.
During their time apart, Cynthia focused on her artwork and studies that desperately needed her attention while John focused on his music (and other girls). He missed Cynthia, but she was determined to move on. She even went out on a date with another man!
“I wasn't happy but I tried to forget John. I even went out with someone else. There was a boy I used to see at the station in Hoylake, a trainee dentist, and he had a crush on me. I didn't know him very well but he used to wait for my train and follow me home. Anyway, he plucked up courage to ask for a date just after I finished with John. This was the boost my confidence needed. I had to rebuild my life, didn't I? I accepted. We went out for the evening and he was very nice but it was no use. He wasn't John. 'It’s no good’, I thought sadly as I shut the front door behind him. 'I’m not interested in anyone else.’ It wouldn't have been fair to see him again. Three miserable lonely weeks [or months] went by, then late one night John phoned. He was in a call box and he sounded upset. He loved me, he missed me, and he wanted me back. My depression vanished like fog in the sun. I didn't need any persuading. I’d missed him as much as he missed me. I drifted off to bed that night the happiest girl in the world. But I never did tell John about the other boy even years afterwards. I didn't dare. No matter what he got up to, he would have been furious.”
Cynthia, 1994
John confirmed he called Cynthia back in 1967 to Hunter Davies. In both of her books (A Twist of Lennon in 1978, John in 2005), Cynthia made no mention of seeing John kissing another girl. It could have been the final strike for Cynthia to break up with John for good. Or could John kissing another girl be a cover up for John hitting Cynthia? Unfortunately, both John and Cynthia are deceased and can not straighten this out. The main point is that there was a break up and John called her up to reunite.
There is another post to deal with John’s infidelity- it requires its own 'chapter’! I do want to touch on John's physical abuse towards Cynthia. Let's get one thing clear: physical, verbal, mental, and emotional abuse is never okay. It is not a joke, not an excuse. I do understand that in the 1950s, 1960s or so that abuse wasn't given any awareness or talked about in the era as there are today; we now have support groups, domestic violence laws, shelters for victims. This is part of John that I don't like; I do understand his frustrations, his anger, he had a lot of tragedy and drama in his life. I also understand the need to vent and I don't think John ever dreamed to see a psychiatrist. Probably never even crossed his mind. John admitted to hitting women… now, I don't think John abused his wives every day or most often (and yes, I do believe Yoko has been in John's destructive path). Both Julian and Sean never claimed John abused them other than verbally.
Cynthia persistently claimed that John hit her only once which caused their breakup in 2005. But in 1967, she told Hunter another story:
“Molly, the cleaning woman [of Liverpool College of Art], once caught John hitting me, really clouting me. She said I was a silly girl to get mixed up with someone like that. I just kept hoping he'd get over it, but I wondered if I could stick it long enough to find out. I blamed his background, his home, Mimi, and the College. College wasn't the place for him. Institutions aren't made for John.”
Cynthia, 1968
Could Molly caught John hitting Cynthia that day after she danced with Stuart? Or could that be a different day incident? I don't think we will ever know for sure. Both Tony Bramwell and Pete Shotton mentioned that he never witnessed John mistreating Cynthia, so I don't think John hit her every day on the hour. Nor do I think that John hit Cynthia after they got married. Verbally, yes; physical, no.
“I used to be cruel to my women, and physically- any woman. I was a hitter. I couldn't express myself and I hit. I fought men and I hit women. That is why I am always on about peace, you see. It is the most violent people who go for love and peace. Everything's the opposite. But I sincerely believe in love and peace. I am not violent man who has learned not to be violent and regrets his violence. I will have to be a lot older before I can face in public how I treated women as a youngster.”
John, 1980
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